Ramadan 2012

This is my fourth year of not fasting during the month of Ramadan.  Year 1- pregnant. Year 2-nursing. Year 3-pregnant. Year 4- nursing. My poor husband has been eating suhoor alone for years, waking up alone in the middle of the night to have this early meal and get ready for his day of fasting. It's hard enough getting up, I imagine it's much harder getting up alone.

I am scared of what it will be like for me when I do start fasting again. But for now I am trying my best to come up with ways to absorb the blessings of this month.

I don't have too many ideas, so I welcome your ideas. For now I am sharing daily goals with a friend who recently moved to Europe.

Today's goal was not to get cross with the kids. ALL day. It was not easy, in fact, I failed. I will try again tomorrow, along with the next day's goal: put away my cell phone from 6 pm until kids are asleep.  I hope to not just to accomplish these two things on this one day, but hopefully long term.

I am also trying to keep up with my extra night prayers.  I miss the years before the kids, going to the mosque every night, praying amidst the crowds, but mentally focused on the Quran in my hands, imagining myself in the masjid in Medina.  It was a different time. I miss thinking about prayer during prayer, and not worrying about which one of the babies may wake up, crying or hungry, or worse, wake the other one up. Being able to sleep in without a toddler jumping on my bed was an added luxury at the time.

Over the past few years, I have felt the hole left in my faith by not fasting. I felt deficient, but too tired to do anything about. I tried to read a lot of Quran, but my eyes would close a few minutes into it.

This year I am trying not to focus on fasting(rather not fasting), but instead revel in worshipping Allah through my children. I know it's not the same, but I know it's accepted just the same. Allah will reward whatever I can muster up the strength to do at the end of the day, as long as I make my intention solely to please Him.

Inshalah.

Wake up, Sameera

My dear A.A. told me once she read somewhere that sometimes you see people who have passed away in your dreams, that it means that your souls are meeting. It was a sweet and beautiful thought. We stumbled onto this discussion because we were talking about Rehab.

I wonder if it's true. I would imagine my encounter with Rehab to go like this:
"Rehab I missed you so much"
"I missed you too Meera, how have you been?"
"I am good Alhamdulilah"
"Are you sure"
"What do you mean?"
"You are the same person I left behind. How can that be? Have you learned nothing from me?"

And then I'd wake up, and feel the guilt and disappointment in myself all over again. For forgetting the lessons Rehab worked so hard to teach those around her. And losing the gifts she left for me along the way, leaving my compassion behind, forgoing any ounce of patience I may have in me for the impetuousness I am more inclined towards. And most importantly, putting my faith in Allah last in times of need, trying every possible way to ease a situation and asking Allah for help as a last resort, when it should be my first step.  How could I forgive myself for forsaking her biggest gift to me: total and utter reliance on Allah.  Without this, I stand no chance in this world.

Well, I won't be too ambitious, because I know I may not wake up tomorrow and start building a school from the ground up, or travel to a far away country to help feed the needy.  But I will start tonight, God willing.  As the Bible states "Charity begins at home." I can do this.  So can you.

Watch out for the rabbit hole

I'm sure we all know the story of Alice in Wonderland. A young, naive girl who is so curious she falls down a rabbit hole, becoming engulfed in a world of fantasy.

Sounds familiar in our day and age. At some point in our life, we all fall down that rabbit hole. We become curious about something we are unfamiliar with, something we have never experienced, and lean in, hoping for just a taste or a brief touch, only to end up falling in head first.

I've seen it many Muslims around me. It all starts with baby steps, a few innocent moves. In a flash, they are partying, drinking, dating. But they don't know they are doing anything wrong, because the old version of them is buried inside so deep, lost, unable to speak out in protest. And so the fantasy begins, where we tell ourselves to have all the fun we can, pretending that we will not be held accountable.

This is why in our religion we are told to stay away from sins. Even seemingly innocuous acts may be forbidden, as they can and WILL (mark my words) lead to something much worse.

The are many lessons to be learned from this story, which is considered to be one of the best examples of the literary nonsense genre. Another character in the book reminds us "Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction." Wise words Doorknob, wise words indeed. Let's all remember to read the Quran.