Mothers and Ramadan

So I tried to partake in Ramadan a few days ago. The hubby went to pray the first half of the night pray at the masjid, and then came home to stay with the sleeping kids while I went to the masjid.

It was not so successful. Rather than feeling a spiritual rush for being in a masjid packed with people praying, I had to fight hard to keep myself awake during the prayer. At first it was hard to keep my mind from wandering with a million different thoughts. So I closed my eyes, and instead I felt as if I would fall asleep standing in that moment. So I open my eyes. Mind wanders again. Close my eyes. I feel a sudden urge to lay down in the middle of the row I was praying in.

There have been a few articles out recently regarding mothers and ramadan, reassuring us that we would be rewarded as much, although we may be missing out on fasting or extra prayers. Thank you, but your words were unneccesary. In fact, it almost felt as if I was being patronized, with male authors telling us how much reward there is in motherhood.

No kidding! Motherhood is hard and rewarding? Tell me more I about something I have been going through for over two years.  Allah will reward us for raising our children? Was there even any doubt of His generosity and mercy, especially towards mothers, the stewards of the Ummah?

And I know a lot of men say with their words how hard motherhood is and how grateful they are to mothers. Well, words do not mean enough. In fact mothers have something kin to a 30 hour workday, while a husband may come home from an 8 hour workday. So stop sympathizing with your words alone, and help out. Pick up a load of laundry, cook a meal, or change a diaper. By the way, this is not a criticism to my own husband, he has been wonderful, despite being in law school. But there's always room for improvement ;)

And one more important fact. When you do that load of laundry, or change a smelly diaper, do it without being asked. Without me dropping a fairly obvious hint. Or even a subtle one, though subtlety has never been my strong point.  Without any mention of it. That will bump you up from 1 point to 100 points for the same act.

How far does a mother's love go?

Lately I have been plagued with a thought that scares me: what If I don't like my kids as they get older?

I love and adore them right now, and the icing on the cake is the added cuteness of their age, Iman being six months, Noor being 2 years old. I realize now that this is the age I LOVE. I cannot imagine a day without their endless (and in Iman's case, toothless) smiles and unconditional love. The tears at the drop of a hat, followed by incessant laughter and giggles. Most of all what I enjoy is their interaction with each other, watching them in complete adoration of one another. I am not looking forward to the day they fight over each other's clothes.

Recently at a gathering, certain friends were saying how they were glad to be done with diapers, baby food, and strollers. But I LOVE this stuff. I revel in it. I cannot imagine a time when it all becomes obsolete. I still have not even thrown away Noor's old pacifiers, not that I am reusing them or anything. I won't part with these teeny, tiny baby blankets, even though Iman rolls around so much they are useless. And I can't stop buying baby clothes. Even though there is literally nowhere to put any more clothes.

My dear friend M.Y. told me her husband always wants more children because he loves the infant age so much.  I never understood that. Until now.

So mothers with older children, I ask you, does a mother's love ever run out? Or does it morph and continue to grow with your child?

The other side

I should have known that my feelings would change in a second.
I wish I was working in television right now, covering the Olympic Games. *sigh*

Just as I thought to myself last week about how happy I was with my current occupation, as a stay at home mom to two girls. And then *poof*; just like that I am wondering about the other side.

Allah knows best.

Ramadan 2012

This is my fourth year of not fasting during the month of Ramadan.  Year 1- pregnant. Year 2-nursing. Year 3-pregnant. Year 4- nursing. My poor husband has been eating suhoor alone for years, waking up alone in the middle of the night to have this early meal and get ready for his day of fasting. It's hard enough getting up, I imagine it's much harder getting up alone.

I am scared of what it will be like for me when I do start fasting again. But for now I am trying my best to come up with ways to absorb the blessings of this month.

I don't have too many ideas, so I welcome your ideas. For now I am sharing daily goals with a friend who recently moved to Europe.

Today's goal was not to get cross with the kids. ALL day. It was not easy, in fact, I failed. I will try again tomorrow, along with the next day's goal: put away my cell phone from 6 pm until kids are asleep.  I hope to not just to accomplish these two things on this one day, but hopefully long term.

I am also trying to keep up with my extra night prayers.  I miss the years before the kids, going to the mosque every night, praying amidst the crowds, but mentally focused on the Quran in my hands, imagining myself in the masjid in Medina.  It was a different time. I miss thinking about prayer during prayer, and not worrying about which one of the babies may wake up, crying or hungry, or worse, wake the other one up. Being able to sleep in without a toddler jumping on my bed was an added luxury at the time.

Over the past few years, I have felt the hole left in my faith by not fasting. I felt deficient, but too tired to do anything about. I tried to read a lot of Quran, but my eyes would close a few minutes into it.

This year I am trying not to focus on fasting(rather not fasting), but instead revel in worshipping Allah through my children. I know it's not the same, but I know it's accepted just the same. Allah will reward whatever I can muster up the strength to do at the end of the day, as long as I make my intention solely to please Him.

Inshalah.

Who would have thunk it

Ironing tiny little ruffles, on tiny little blouses is a BIG pain in the butt. Ironically I only iron my own clothes on special occasions, such as weddings and Eid.

Announcement: blog title change

I have been desiring to start blogging again for a while now. The real reason I have not been blogging is not because my hands are full (which they are, with two kids), but because I felt I had nothing to blog about. So here I am, my first blog in several months. I may have nothing great to say, but
at least I can use my blog as a way to get my thoughts written out and organized, for whatever purpose.

I have also changed the title from "A Fly on the Wall" to the new title, so I can focus on my adventures in motherhood.  I have no right to call myself a superhero, but I thought it fit into the title so I went with it.

So stay tuned. Also I welcome your guests posts, so send them over.

Sameera

She's Here!

Alhamdulilah my second daughter has entered this world, healthy and beautiful beyond the scope of my own limited duas. It's incredible to know that my own mother loves me so much to make these incredible duas for me. How else could I blessed in so many ways?



It's been quite the week. On Sunday, we thought perhaps I was in labor, feeling what I thought was contractions, so we went to the hospital to get checked out. It turns out I was not, but from the moment we got into the labor triage room, I felt annoyed, especially because the biggest football game was on in a few hours, and I really wanted my husband to be able to watch it at home, especially if we did not really have to be at the hospital. (I know, how selfless of me; actually I did not want to fight with him during labor for ignoring me)


After being okay'ed by my doctor to leave, they decided only moments later to keep me for a few more hours and put me on an IV because the baby's heartbeat was high. Stupid, stupid coke zero. Why did I drink you on the way to the hospital? After arguing with the nurse and the doctor I gave in, mostly because Moustafa convinced me to go with it, since we were there already. I lay on the bed another two hours until they finally allowed us to go home. I was praying for this the whole time, but really did not expect it to happen, as I know how hospitals like to control the situation, and in almost every situation, the patient is kept and induced (and I was a mere 24 hours overdue).  Luckily Moustafa was able to catch most of the game at home, but heartbroken when his team lost.


The next day, I moved up my doctors appointment because I wanted an update on what was going on with this baby and to make sure my doctor knew about the false alarm.  While I was there, she did something known as stripping of the membranes (I will leave you to google that).  I read that it works for some, but usually makes little difference.  It did however cause me to cramp and spot, which was expected.


So the day went on, I continued to have cramping and spotting. Around 8 pm, I asked my sister to come to Target with me; I just had to have hand soap refill before this baby came. Funny how trivial things can weigh you down like it's the end of the world. As we were walking through Target, I was in so much pain at times, I wanted to lay on the floor. Darn cramping, I thought.


So we didn't stay long. Came home and the "cramping" got progressively worse and more painful until 9:30 when I called my doctor.  I don't expect her to remember every detail about every patient, so I didn't blame her when she said I didn't sound like I was in labor on the phone or in crazy pain. I am just not that kind of person (until later). So she said hang out at home another hour or so, see how it goes. I decided to take a bath, hoping to ease the pain, forgetting that my pseudo ob/gyn (Dr. Mona) told me that warm baths can also help relax and body and bring on labor. By the time I got out at 10:30 the pain had only gotten worse. This whole time, Moustafa is as doubtful as I am that this was worth a hospital trip.  But by now I was red and sweaty from the pain I was in. Pretty soon, I begged to go to the hospital.


We got to the hospital and the guard at the labor triage room showed us to the waiting room, to wait for a nurse. As I am waiting, I can barely breath, in excruciating pain and pacing and panting.


Finally a nurse grabbed me coming out of the bathroom. This whole time I am going to the bathroom every 15 seconds, thinking I had to.  She started to take me to an evaluation room, thought the better of it, and took me straight to a labor and delivery room.  After some yelling, at the nurses, at my husband, at anything in front of me, I demanded the in house doctor. My doctor had been informed at this point, but I could not wait any longer..

The on call doctor delivered me at 1:06 am. No waiting. No medicine. No epidural. Somehow, the nurse managed to get an IV in me.

Aside from my sister, we spoke to no one as we left for the hospital.  The next time they heard from us the baby was already here. My mother thought it was a joke, as she did not even know we left for the hospital.  Welcome Iman Badreldin. 7 pounds, 11 ounces. 20.5 inches tall.

We're home now, just a few days later, in the same week. Still in disbelief.

Vacation Plus One

I have recently started to appreciate the numerous blessings of travel. To see and experience new places and things, see how diverse our world is. To eat awesome food. Maybe the best part. Having the chance to spend the time traveling with my husband, getting to know each others' likes and dislikes, developing more patience for each other, as we work through the stresses that travel can bring. And finally to come home and appreciate all the comforts I have waiting for me. We have indeed been blessed to have the means and opportunity to travel over the course of our marriage. Not big trips all the time. But even a 1.5 hour drive to Mystic, Ct. was memorable in its' own way.

As the weather heats up in New Jersey, people around me are heading out on "holiday". I guess our generation is still young enough that we associate summer with vacation, as if we were still in school, and with June around the corner, the "summer vacation" bell is ringing loud and clear. My brother left today with his wife for Florida. My friend A.A. and her husband are traipsing around Italy.

We were very fortunate to have just returned from London with our daughter. It was a wonderful 6 days, and I like to look through our 500+ pictures every few days. I don't always do that with vacation pictures, but something's different this time. Our Plus One. Vacations in the past always felt like something was missing. The husband and I would take pictures of each other in front of landmarks, or shyly scour the crowd for a kind stranger who would take our picture, without running away with our camera. It was awkward. And sad, to come home from vacation but look at pictures of each of us alone, as if we were on the trip by ourselves. Where was the proof of all the cool things we did together?

At least this time we had the baby in our pictures, her face capturing the excitement and adventure of our London journey. We even managed a few family pictures, courtesy of my awesome host, A.A.

I thought having a baby would make the journey more difficult, but it was not the case at all. It was nice to plan things for the three of us, and wonderful to see her enjoy herself. It made us enjoy what we were doing even more so.

So to my brother and A.A., take your next vacation with a baby, I promise it will be even more fun ;)

(Noor seeing the world through her own eyes at the Museum of Science)

Mother, not martyr

From Suhaibwebb.com. I love the title. I heard from one of my favorite mommies, H.A., with some comments on this article, particularly about how it is difficult for mothers to take this "advice" without having the right support system. What do you think? What do you need from your men to put this into practice and not lose yourselves? I will post my thoughts later.

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Being a mother is certainly not easy. As Allah describes in the Qur’an, “…in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning…” (31:14). These travails are often referred to as pregnancy, birthing and nursing. But that is just the beginning.
Mothers are in the daily “trenches” of changing diapers, helping with homework, cooking dinner, disciplining and running between work, picking kids up from school, and soccer games. These daily acts of service to her family can encompass her so completely that she loses balance and perspective of herself. When a woman loses the deeper spiritual significance of motherhood, she may feel that the duty of a mother is to martyr herself for her family by putting everyone else’s needs ahead of her own. But carrying all the burdens and difficulties is not the path to being a good mother. In fact it only depletes a woman, and may even build resentment, making her think that her children and her family “owe” her, as payback for her “martyrdom.”
As the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ (Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) taught us that: “A person’s wealth shall not decrease with charity.” What better charity is there than the charity of a mother helping her family? However, as with all forms of giving, the reward is in the giving, not in what is paid back to us by those we give to. Indeed all forms of giving benefit the donor, when done right.
Motherhood is a journey that allows one to witness the growth of a child as well as instill growth in women by making them stronger and wiser. Allah blesses women with children and in turn mothers make a promise to Allah to nurture children into adulthood. Through the process of parenting children, one realizes that it is also about role modeling a balanced and healthy lifestyle to children. Being a mother is not being a martyr. Rather it is respecting the trust and responsibility of raising children as well as respecting yourself as a strong woman. Children will respect their mothers as women who service their families for the sake of Allah. The responsibility of motherhood makes a woman grow stronger physically, mentally and spiritually because she is tested in all areas. She learns to stretch herself to serve those around her with the ultimate purpose of pleasing Allah, while at the same time not losing herself. A mother should not simply become weaker through her giving, but stronger and more balanced.
Here are six ways mothers can find balance and stay focused in order to get through the tough days of parenting as well as enjoy the journey of motherhood:
1. “I will remind myself daily that my time with my children is precious.” Childhood will end one day and my “baby” will soon be an adult. Our children are changing daily and maturing into an adult. Parenting is celebrating the everyday moments more than focusing on the milestones of our children’s life. Spending quality time with our children and making time to communicate and share with our children is what will be remembered. The mundane activities in our life are the ways we connect daily with our children, so we need to see them more as experiences of connection rather than activities we just need to get through and move on to the next.
2. “I will take care of myself.” Physically, mentally and spiritually. By constantly giving attention to our children and husband, we many times forget to take care of ourselves or we put our needs at the bottom of the list. Some mothers don’t even put themselves on the list at all. But as mothers we can only give as much as we have, and if we do not refill our own tanks then we will have nothing left to give. Taking care of our bodies through exercise is vital for our physical health as well as boosting our overall mood and energy. Spending time exercising is not selfish, unnecessary or extra. It must be seen as a priority in order to be able to do our duty as a mother. Taking care of our mental and spiritual self is also vital because this is the area that is most challenged and drained from us when raising our children. The intention of our daily prayers is to help us refocus and slow down our hectic lives, especially as mothers. Since women are the “heart” of a household, we must find inner peace in order for the family to feel in balance. Finding and sustaining self-confidence and happiness will manifest to our children and husband.
3. “I am not a perfect mother.” Many Muslim mothers have extremely idealistic views of parenting or high expectations of themselves as mothers. Our children do not need us to be perfect and they actually will easily forgive us when we acknowledge our mistakes and show our imperfections. We must accept that we will make mistakes which will be opportunities for us to grow and become smarter moms for future challenges. We need to forgive ourselves and release ourselves of the burden of striving for perfection. We need to eliminate the thinking that other moms have attained perfection and they do everything right. We can only do the best that we can with what we have and we should focus on the things that matter – our relationships with them. Dinners won’t always be amazing, the dishes won’t always be clean, and laundry will pile up, but when our kids become adults they won’t remember any of that; rather they will remember the time they spent and the conversations they had with us.
4. “I will make my marriage a priority.” Children place a huge strain on a marriage, especially for mothers of young children. Many mothers focus entirely on the needs of their children and in the process neglect their relationship with their husband. Physical and emotional exhaustion leave women with little energy left to give to their husband and this attitude of “nothing left to give” can cause disconnection in the marriage. It is vital that we find balance in our marriage alongside parenting because not only is it good for our children to witness a healthy relationship, but it is also good for our mental health. The companionship of a spouse is one that will supersede our relationship with our children, especially as children grow older. We must maintain a loving connection to our spouse so that we can grow old together and be further bonded to one another after the children are grown and married. This means we can’t put our marriage “on hold,” rather we must maintain a bond of friendship and love through the trying times of parenthood. It is vital we spend time alone with our husband so that we can see each other through the lens of a spouse and not only as a caregiver to our children. Going on “date nights” and weekend outings as a couple is vital for the bond to be maintained and sustained.
5. “I will value my friendships.” Connecting and sharing with other women helps us to realize the commonality in our struggles as mothers and women. Having sisters and girlfriends in our life makes us stronger because these relationships nurture us emotionally and help us manage the stress in our lives. Our girlfriends and sisters have a special place in our lives that even our husbands cannot fill or replace. Making time to connect with our friends will help us feel happier and recharged so that we are able to give to our children and husband. Talking to and going out with girlfriends is vital for mothers to boost their connection to other women. It will improve our moods and fill our tanks so that we can give to our children and better connect with our husbands.
6. “I will prioritize family dinners.” Eating together as a family is a daily activity of bonding. Routines in children’s lives can foster a deep sense of security. Creating traditions such as eating together is meaningful to our daily lives because it is a time the family comes together to share their day and connect with one another. Research has shown children who regularly have dinner with their families are more likely to do better and make good choices with regard to friends, drugs and sex. Bringing everyone together daily will create a more communicative family dynamic, and the tradition of food, conversations and joy will be the memories that everyone will cherish

London Bound

I am going away next week, to see London, Big Ben, walk alongside the Thames River, and wish Kate and William well on their recent marriage (since I missed the wedding). What I am looking forward to most is spending quality time with my dear friend Areeg.

What Areeg is most looking forward to is having proper British afternoon tea. What is afternoon tea? According to a quick google search it is "a light midafternoon meal of tea and sandwiches or cakes; "an Englishman would interrupt a war to have his afternoon tea." I've always wanted to go and what better place to do it than the city where it all began.

It will be our first time, and our concern right now is "what to wear?" So I googled that too: The dress code for traditional afternoon tea is still smart. Ladies don't have to wear dresses, hats and gloves anymore, but gentlemen are required to wear a jacket and tie in most places. Whew, good thing we are not gentleman (and we will not be accompanied by our gentlemen on this outing), but we are fairly certain that our collection of sneakers and comfort shoes will not do. In fact most of my wardrobe is not "smart". It's more "mom." I wish I had a tiny violin right now to lament the state of my wardrobe.

After some thought I've decided to wear a long dress. I will now turn my attention to my sister's closet, since I do not own long dresses. Having sisters is such a blessing, for so many reasons, but I really appreciate the sharing of the wardrobe, the style advice and the often heard back and forth "You're wearing thAt?"

Having sisters is just one of the blessings I've had growing up in a big family. Like most kids, I did not appreciate my family growing up. Many times I was held back from things I wanted to do because my parents wanted to make an example of me. My siblings were able to do everything I did, about 5 years sooner. And I was usually angst ridden, focused on what I could not do, and overlooked what I could do.

In retrospect I was so blessed. I always had a friend (though we were not always friends). Between six children, we were never short on company. In fact, I know at times we desired privacy from each other.

Now that I am a mother, I sometimes tell myself what I would like to do different form my parents. But all in all, I loved the way we were bought up. While we were growing up it all seemed abnormal and crazy, I now see how it was more normal than I could ever hope for. I wish for the same, and even better for my daughter. I pray for a big family for her, so she always has someone by her side, Inshalah.

The workday

I have been applying to jobs here and there, asking former employers to keep an eye out for me. I have days where I thoroughly enjoy being at home, then days where I am down on myself, feeling like a loser because I don't have a job. Then I quickly remind myself, if I can't find a job, it is surely the doing of Allah who is guiding me towards my daughter and the precious time we have together. Alhamdulilah.

And here I am, for the first time since Jan. 2010, at work. It's not permanent, who knows if I'll even be called back, but I am working an 11-7 shift today at CBS News.

I got the call last night around 9 pm. Even though it was late, and I had plans for Sunday, I jumped on it. You see I have not yet resolved what it is I am. A stay at home mom or a working mom?

Even though it's only one day, I am looking forward to reuniting with my daughter in 3 hours, to see the look on her face. Of course I have left her before, but never for this long. Will she welcome me? Or will she be upset, confused, where could I have gone, left her for so long? The clock hand is simply not moving fast enough.

For all the mommies out there

This is a poem from one of my favorite poets, Khalil Gibran.
Gibran was born in Lebanon in 1883. His family immigrated to Boston, where he began his literary career. Though he was also an artist, he is perhaps best known in the English world for his book "The Prophet."

History lesson is over, here is the poem.


On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Come join the club

My friend Dalal shared this fantastic website recently.

http://growmama.com/

It's an online community for Muslims moms. A club I am proud to be a member of, Alhamdulilah. Please join. Noor needs more friends.

My weight loss secret

Believe it or not I weigh less now than I a little over a year ago. My amazing diet secret is...are you ready for this?... my daughter.

I knew children can be challenging, albeit rewarding, sometimes drive you up the wall, and generally cause your hair to turn gray. But someone should have told me about this very positive side affect. Hearing about how much energy they take, and experiencing it for myself are two entirely different things. My daughter Noor is absolutely non-stop, around the clock ball of fun, wanting constant play and interaction. I find her need for play most rewardng for those of us who love her the most. She loves us back and shows it in her constant smile and laughter. May Allah always keep her smiling.

But I must admit, it it hard for me to remain grateful for this, especially around 4 pm, when my back hurts, and my eyes are getting droopy, and Noor is (of course) full speed ahead. It's time for me to push myself to keep going. Just as if I'm on a treadmill. But weight loss is not my motivation, really. It's that big smile, with those two tiny teeth proudly on display.