How far does a mother's love go?

Lately I have been plagued with a thought that scares me: what If I don't like my kids as they get older?

I love and adore them right now, and the icing on the cake is the added cuteness of their age, Iman being six months, Noor being 2 years old. I realize now that this is the age I LOVE. I cannot imagine a day without their endless (and in Iman's case, toothless) smiles and unconditional love. The tears at the drop of a hat, followed by incessant laughter and giggles. Most of all what I enjoy is their interaction with each other, watching them in complete adoration of one another. I am not looking forward to the day they fight over each other's clothes.

Recently at a gathering, certain friends were saying how they were glad to be done with diapers, baby food, and strollers. But I LOVE this stuff. I revel in it. I cannot imagine a time when it all becomes obsolete. I still have not even thrown away Noor's old pacifiers, not that I am reusing them or anything. I won't part with these teeny, tiny baby blankets, even though Iman rolls around so much they are useless. And I can't stop buying baby clothes. Even though there is literally nowhere to put any more clothes.

My dear friend M.Y. told me her husband always wants more children because he loves the infant age so much.  I never understood that. Until now.

So mothers with older children, I ask you, does a mother's love ever run out? Or does it morph and continue to grow with your child?

The other side

I should have known that my feelings would change in a second.
I wish I was working in television right now, covering the Olympic Games. *sigh*

Just as I thought to myself last week about how happy I was with my current occupation, as a stay at home mom to two girls. And then *poof*; just like that I am wondering about the other side.

Allah knows best.

Ramadan 2012

This is my fourth year of not fasting during the month of Ramadan.  Year 1- pregnant. Year 2-nursing. Year 3-pregnant. Year 4- nursing. My poor husband has been eating suhoor alone for years, waking up alone in the middle of the night to have this early meal and get ready for his day of fasting. It's hard enough getting up, I imagine it's much harder getting up alone.

I am scared of what it will be like for me when I do start fasting again. But for now I am trying my best to come up with ways to absorb the blessings of this month.

I don't have too many ideas, so I welcome your ideas. For now I am sharing daily goals with a friend who recently moved to Europe.

Today's goal was not to get cross with the kids. ALL day. It was not easy, in fact, I failed. I will try again tomorrow, along with the next day's goal: put away my cell phone from 6 pm until kids are asleep.  I hope to not just to accomplish these two things on this one day, but hopefully long term.

I am also trying to keep up with my extra night prayers.  I miss the years before the kids, going to the mosque every night, praying amidst the crowds, but mentally focused on the Quran in my hands, imagining myself in the masjid in Medina.  It was a different time. I miss thinking about prayer during prayer, and not worrying about which one of the babies may wake up, crying or hungry, or worse, wake the other one up. Being able to sleep in without a toddler jumping on my bed was an added luxury at the time.

Over the past few years, I have felt the hole left in my faith by not fasting. I felt deficient, but too tired to do anything about. I tried to read a lot of Quran, but my eyes would close a few minutes into it.

This year I am trying not to focus on fasting(rather not fasting), but instead revel in worshipping Allah through my children. I know it's not the same, but I know it's accepted just the same. Allah will reward whatever I can muster up the strength to do at the end of the day, as long as I make my intention solely to please Him.

Inshalah.

Who would have thunk it

Ironing tiny little ruffles, on tiny little blouses is a BIG pain in the butt. Ironically I only iron my own clothes on special occasions, such as weddings and Eid.

The grass is always greener on the other side

I have several circles of friends, and all kinds of friends, and the one thing that predominates my conversations everywhere I go is our happiness as mothers.

Sometimes, we sit and vent; we have to in order to feel sane and know that what we are going through will not kill us. There are things in our lives we love and hate, and things we hate but can't live without.

And then there is motherhood.  From the outside, one side always seems to have it better.  The mommies who are stay at home, like myself, often wonder if we are missing out on the outside world. Why do the moms who work seem to have more fun with their kids on weekends and when they come home? What is their secret? Why aren't they fighting with their two year old like I am?

And then the mommies who work are sitting at their job missing their kids, sometimes in tears. They come home in time to put them to sleep. They may miss the first time the baby sat up, the baby's first steps. "Is it worth it?" they wonder day in and out.

I always thought working part time would be a happy medium, but I find the mothers who do so are also not content.

So there it is. In case you were wondering, no one is 100% pleased with their situation. You think you can always do more, spend more time, feel more fulfilled. But that may never happen. So it's time to go back to the old adage that YOU control YOUR happiness. So be happy with that two hours a day, even if you are rolling around on the sofa having a tickle fight. The dishes can wait (or start using paper plates, sorry if I am not being an environmentalist).

Stop comparing yourself to the single woman at work who's been on the job for 15 years and be proud of what you have accomplished. If you want to do more, then go for it and be proactive.

And if you miss your kids, go home to them. You can't have it both ways moms. I pray that Allah gives us the means to be able to choose what makes us happy.

So whatever you select, be happy with it now AND later; do not turn it into something you regret a few years down the line.  Have faith that Allah put you where you are for a reason, and that's what you are supposed to be doing, at least at this point in your life.

As for myself, after two years of complaining, I am 98% content in being a stay at home mom to two beautiful, amazing challenging girls. The 2% is for those days they drive me nuts :)

Announcement: blog title change

I have been desiring to start blogging again for a while now. The real reason I have not been blogging is not because my hands are full (which they are, with two kids), but because I felt I had nothing to blog about. So here I am, my first blog in several months. I may have nothing great to say, but
at least I can use my blog as a way to get my thoughts written out and organized, for whatever purpose.

I have also changed the title from "A Fly on the Wall" to the new title, so I can focus on my adventures in motherhood.  I have no right to call myself a superhero, but I thought it fit into the title so I went with it.

So stay tuned. Also I welcome your guests posts, so send them over.

Sameera